How to Help my sister?

Wedding Update!!!

2008-11-14T13:00:00.000-08:00

I haven’t updated in a while. But any thing new going on with the sister you can read about here on mom’s blog.

Only thing going on with me is work, school and wedding planning!!!! Mom and I found the hall and I LOVE it. As soon I walked in I knew I wanted our reception there. Then I found out that not only can we have our reception there we can be married there right in front of the fountain inside. The picture is above.

It’s a great idea. They even give me a room for the bridesmaids and I to get ready together before the wedding and we get a free bridal suite and a hall the next day for the gift opening. They hold a block of rooms for our guest to so rent at a discounted rate so people don’t have to drive.

My FI (fiancé) is still deciding if he want to have the ceremony there or a church. I think at first he like the idea of doing everything at one place but now he seems to be thinking that he would like to be married in a church. It doesn’t matter to me so if he wants a church we may do a church ceremony and just the reception there.

Mom has been helping a ton. But I am very indecisive when making any decisions and I know that drives her nuts. I still haven’t found a dress so I think I’m going to wait on the dress shopping for a while. I still have 563 days until the wedding so I can focus on other things now.
I have most of my bridesmaids picked but there is still an opening for Kelly to be my maid of honor but we’ll see.... My two closest friends, as of now, are going to be my maid and matron of honor but they know that if Kelly gets it together she will be the maid of honor and they will be bridesmaids. Luckily they’re awesome and would rather have that then for me than to do it themselves. But like I said we’ll see.

We haven’t seen Kelly since the beginning of October.

It really sucks to be planning my wedding knowing that unless Kelly is good and clean she won’t be my maid of honor. No matter how great my wedding is (and it’s going to be great!) It won’t be the way I always pictured it unless she there standing next me. But what can you do?

My beautiful ring!!!!

2008-10-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

GOOD NEWS!!!!

2008-10-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

I’m engaged!!! Whoo hoo. While I have had the date and sort of been planning the wedding with mom for a while it was not official until Joe proposed and I get the ring which I got on Wednesday. I am so happy. I was crying and hopping up and down. Its great. We decided our date is going to be May 2010.

Mom and I are going dress shopping tomorrow (its never to early to start looking for dresses) and now the planning is in full swing.

I’m so happy now I just have to get the nerve to tell Kelly she can’t be in the wedding unless she get clean…..

I have been tagged!!!!

2008-10-03T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have been tagged by my mom and need to come up with 6 unspectacular things about me. I tried to get her to tell me what my 6 things should be but she won’t.

1. I love love love Elvis Presley. I don’t know why (he died before I was born) but I just do. I probably have thousands of dollars of Elvis stuff that I have gotten from friends and family over the years and I never get sick of it.

2. I hate hate doing dishes. I try to do it as little as possible. It’s the most boring thing to do and I always end up soaked.

3. I (with the help of my mom) am planning my wedding to my boyfriend even though he hasn’t gotten me an engagement ring yet and he knows it.

4. I have a turtle named Tippy.

5. I have an old, ripped blanket I won’t get rid of that is in such horrible shape it leaves pieces of fabric around the house and I refuse to throw it away. I love it.

6. I’m not stupid but I am constantly doing some dumb ass stuff. The other day I was frantically looking for my contact I thought fell out my eye onto my couch but it was stuck to the side of my temple. LMAO!!!!

2008-09-15T12:14:00.000-07:00

Call someone who cares. (Not me)

2008-07-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

If you’ve read my mom’s blog. You’ll know what happened Saturday when we tried to have my mom’s birthday at my house.

Kelly got there ass late and when I started really looking at her I knew instantly. I called her on it right away. Maybe I could have been a little more constructive while trying to talk to her but it came out like "What the f*** is your problem. Your absolutely wrecked." She then told me I had no idea what I was talking about and I proceeded to tell her that I didn’t want to hear one more word out of her junky mouth and told her she disgusted me.

If my mom was not on her way I would have just kicked her high funky ass right out my house.
I was (is) so mad. My hands were literally shaking. As soon as I let my mom in the house she knew I was upset about something. I was really trying my hardest to look happy and try not to let my mom know anything was wrong. (Its times like that I wish my mom didn’t know me so well). But as soon as mom saw Kelly she knew and she came right in the kitchen and asked if Kelly looked high and if that was why I was upset.

Its just so ridiculous. If she wants to live a lousy, nasty, needle riddled life than its her choice and frankly I’m sick of trying to make things good for her. If that’s what she wants to do FINE!!! But at least have the decency not to be fuckin high at your mother’s birthday, you fucking idiot. For just, I don’t know, a half a day think about other people and not yourself.

My mom told me about her crying when she got out of the car. But too frickin’ bad.

Oh, I’m soooo sorry. Did I look at you funny?
Did I hurt your feelings. Did I say mean things and made you cry?

Well that is just to damn bad. You have made us cry too much for me to feel bad about your high ass crocodile tears. I don’t give one good flying fuck anymore.

I don’t want to hear that your hungry, broke, sick, having a bad day, detoxing. Don’t come to me with that shit anymore. If I do even answer the phone (which the chance of that happening is slim) you will get not one ounce of sympathy from this bitch.

Don’t waste your last fifty cents calling me!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!!!

2008-07-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

Today (July 24) is my mom’s birthday. So in honor of her birthday I’ve decided to talk about the some of the great things about my mom.
She and my stepdad have the best relationship I have ever seen. They love eachother so much and have such a good time together that people have actually said they would like a relationship like that.
She is super funny. She makes me laugh on a daily basis. That is not easy to do because I am a cranky bitchy girl with a very short fuse.
Everything good/nice about me and Kelly we got from her. Kelly and I have discussed this and are in total agreement about that.
She is the most selfless and giving person in the whole world. She is constantly giving people stuff and helping people. She doesn’t do it for any other reason than she is just nice like that.
In my opinion, she is the best mom anyone could ever have. She made dinners and made us sit down to dinner every night. When we found out I was graduating high school (it was touch and go for a while) she was so happy and proud. She cried every time I had to put on my cap and gown. (She has done so much more but if I list it all I’ll never get back to work)
I have met lot of other people’s mothers and they are great. But my mom is awesome. I think I got crazy lucky to be her kid.
I don’t thinks he knows this but she is my best friend and I would be absolutely lost without her.
So when anyone gets a chance go over to mother of a drug addict and which her a happy birthday.

Summer

2008-06-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

While I’m sitting at my desk waiting for one more client to drop off some papers before I can leave EARLY I’ll post I know its been a while.
Nothing really new going on. Kelly is gone from Mom’s. Mom gave her the option to come back but Kelly didn’t like the terms and decided it would be better if she didn’t. She is still going to work. I must say I am surprised about that and mom said when she saw Kelly this week she looked good but tired.
But now that summer is finally here I am busy. Tomorrow I’m going to see TRACE ADKINS whoo hoo I’m so excited.

On Sunday I’m going to see Steve Miller. Its going to be a busy weekend but great fun.
I have lots of other plans for summer, more concerts and some baseball games.

I love summer.

Pissed Off Again

2008-06-18T13:32:00.000-07:00

My dad is in town this week. I spent the day with him Saturday for Father’s Day and we went to a cigar tasting. He is really into cigars and was really excited when I asked him if he wanted to do this.

Dad and Kelly haven’t talked in a really long time and on Sunday when my boyfriend and I were at my mom’s we all convinced her to call him to say Happy Father’s Day. They decided to get together Tuesday (yesterday) for dinner. Kelly was trying to convince me to go also as a “buffer” but I told her she had to do this herself. Well it turns out that its wasn’t just them but my uncle, aunt and family were also there. When they asked were I was she just told them I didn’t want to come! Like I just didn’t want to see them or something. Obviously I didn’t know everyone was going or I would have went. But that’s Kelly trying to make me look bad so she looks better.

Then while I was talking to my dad today he told me he thought that it was real shitty that while Kelly was working for Joe (my boyfriend) she slipped and fell and broke her arm and now she is stuck with all these medical bills and Joe never offered to help with them. What a bunch of bullshit. She doesn’t have any medical bills her insurance took care of all them!! I couldn’t believe she did this. My dad doesn’t like Joe to begin with and is constantly on the look out for another reason to dislike him. Kelly totally fed him some bullshit to get sympathy and it makes Dad dislike Joe more. I talked to my mom today about it because I didn’t know about any medical bills and Mom said there aren’t any. Any medical bills she has was from before when she was in the hospital while using. Her insurance took care of her arm bills and since we pay taxes and it was state insurance I did pay her bills.

If she wants to look better to our family a great way to go about it would be to stop sticking needles in her arms and legs and running around like an asshole only thinking of herself and her drugs. No one else has to throw people under the bus to look better. We just act like decent fucking adults. Maybe she should try that!!!!!

2008-06-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Daily Overview for June 05, 2008
Quickie:Having your routine disrupted won't be annoying at all -- it will be a blessing.

Overview:Take a few moments today to appreciate the smaller joys of life. You may have been too focused on the big picture lately, but you ought to be able to bring yourself back down to earth.

I’m staying at my mom’s until Tuesday to keep an eye on things (i.e. the dog, cat, Kelly) while they are on vacation.

After getting up way earlier then I normally do to get Kelly to work and get myself to work. I checked my horoscope. Above is the message I got.

So thats exactly what I am going to do. As long as Kelly isn’t high and we are getting along I’m going to enjoy the time with my sister. She is even treating me to the Sex and the City movie and we’re going to do some shopping for my stepdad’s father day present.

I also want to thank everyone for the comments. Its very nice to know people are thinking about you, praying for you and your family and that your not alone. I am also very grateful for the wonderful support on my mom's blog. It has really helped alot and she needs it more than I do. She deals with Kelly everyday and having an outlet and support from other moms is wonderful for her.

AHHHHHH!!!!

2008-06-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my mom this morning ( we talk every morning while I am on my way to work) and we were talking about Kelly (surprise!) And she told me that she has been picking at her face again (not a good sign) so she looks like she did when she was doing all the crack. She has been talking to this guy she used to do drugs with (again, not a good sign) and last night someone was calling the house at 2:00 a.m.
You know what I’m really not sad. I am pissed. All I can think is what a stupid bitch!! She doesn’t give a shit about anyone but her and she must not care about herself very much either. I actually want to leave work, drive to her work and punch her in the face!! (not a healthy reaction but I bet it would make me feel better :)
I feel like I don’t even F*** care anymore. Why should I waste my time caring about her. She is an asshole. I am just so mad.
If this what she wants to do she should leave mom’s house and just go do it. She should quit acting like she is really trying to stay clean. She isn’t fooling anyone and she is so arrogant she probably thinks she is that she is just that slick. Like we have no idea.
I could go on an on I am so mad.
This is NOT FAIR!!! I know I sound like I am having a tantrum but I am so mad (can you tell). I feel so helpless. There is nothing we can do. We have tried everything. There is really nothing else to do.
It sounds mean but I wish she would just go somewhere else.

2008-05-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

On Mother’s day we went to the zoo ( my mom, stepdad, my boyfriend, Kelly and I). It was sooo much fun!!! Kelly and I had a real great time running around and acting like grade schoolers at the zoo. My legs hurt for days after the little running I did. Mom had a really good time too. My boyfriend made a comment about how much she was laughing. It was a really nice time.

Kelly is going to a AA/NA dance on Saturday.

My mom is posting more on her blog and getting some comments from other parents of drug addicts. I think that is great.

If you haven’t checked out her blog yet its http://motherofadrugaddict.blogspot.com/.

HI MOM!!!

2008-05-08T07:19:00.000-07:00

I went to breakfast with my mom yesterday and we were talking about a blog we both read, when she asked if I have found hers yet. I told her I had. I told her I did want to let her know because I wanted her to write whatever she wanted and not be worried about me reading it. I’m sending her the link to mine (its only fair).
So here is her blog http://motherofadrugaddict.blogspot.com/ .
Hi Mom!!!!

Sorry Its been so long.

2008-05-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

WOW!!
Its been a long time since my last post. It really only seems like last week.
After my mom found the needle, mushrooms, tinfoil, cut up straw, etc in K’s room she confronted her. K said that it was old from when she was staying in those nasty flop drug houses. She swore she was clean and everything was old. As my boyfriend said "That excuse is old." It was the same thing we heard when she was living with us and I found a needle and come to think of it I found foil too. (Whats with the foil?)
Kelly and mom had a talk and mom told her if she wanted to keep living here she better get on the phone with her PO and set up an appointment because she needed to take a drug test. Which Kelly did and so far we haven’t heard that she failed the drug test so...
So she is still at mom’s house and working and there hasn’t been any more paraphanalia (sp?) sightings.
I’m thinking maybe she did slip and the talk and threat of jail from Mom hit a chord. My mom doesn’t play around and she will call the probation officer and/or the police. We know it’s a slippery slope from one or two hits to back on the street or dead.
So thats its about K. I’m real happy about the progress she has made but every once in a while I have to remind myself that it can come crashing down at any moment. I think if it did this time it will kill us. We are really love having her back.
K and I went and got our pictures done for my mom’s mother’s day present. We thought this would be a good idea because its been a while since we have had pictures done together and since K looks so much healthier. We got them done and they turned out horrible. I actually turned to K and said "I could thought we were a lot cuter than this!" LMAO!!!!
Now onto other things. I found my mom’s blog. I read the whole thing. She doesn’t know I found it and I’m not sure I should tell her. I don’t want her to censor herself because she thinks she knows I am reading it.
Do you think I should tell her I found it? Should I not read it? Maybe she has seen mine and I don’t know. We know of eachother’s blog but until today I have not seen hers.

Spoke to Soon

2008-04-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Yup, I spoke too soon. Saturday Mom said K said didn't look right and she looked high (on what I don't know). So today when K went to work Mom found a syringe in her dresser drawer.

This sucks. We are really at a loss for what to do.

UPDATE - My mom just texted me. She found mushrooms too. This just gets better and better.

2008-04-08T14:44:00.001-07:00

Okay its been a while sooo... UPDATE TIME!!!

But really I don’t have a lot to update on. Everything is moving right along.

K is still doing okay. It looks like she and her boyfriend are done which is too bad because since she has been trying to stay clean she doesn’t talk with anyone she used to kick it with. But it looks like she is making friends as work so. She is very funny and friendly so I know she will make friends soon enough.

I got some bad news last week about a friend of mine. When I was around 11 my dad was dating this woman who had a daughter my age and we became really good friends. Even after my dad and her mom broke up we stayed real close and were close for years and years. We stopped talking a couple of years ago because she didn’t like that I went out so much (her words) and since then she has talked a lot of shit about me and K.

Anyway, I found things are not going good for her. She got on the oxys and everything for her went right down the toilet. I guess things are pretty bad. I feel bad for her mom. I know what my mom went through and it sucks. Her mom was talking to me about K’s meetings and stuff and I think she is going to try to get her to go. I hope everything works out for her.

So other than that everything is the same. Pretty boring, huh? I may be able to keep this blog if I have nothing to write about. What am I going to talk about? What I buy when I go shopping? (Kate Spade & Coach purse this weekend. WHOO HOO).

Hopefully something will happen soon. Something good of course.

Its been awhile

2008-03-20T13:30:00.000-07:00

K actually had to have two more surgeries on her arm She was in the hospital for 10 days because of infections. But she is out now and back at work. Her arm swelled up like a balloon. The picture is of her hand.

She is back at work now so it all worked out.

I’m having my first holiday this weekend. I’m doing Easter. I’m going to make ham, polish sausage and sauerkraut (J wanted it), cheesy potatoes, etc. I’m a little nervous and it started as five people but I just kept inviting people so ...we’ll see. I’m sure it’ll be fine as long as I don’t poison anyone.

But really that is all thats going on.

Hope everyone has a great Easter.

2008-02-29T14:00:00.000-08:00

So things have been going pretty well.

I went out of town with my boyfriend last week. That was nice.

K had surgery on her arm. They had to put a screw in her elbow where she broke it.

She really likes her job and caught on real quick.

Last night we went out to dinner with my uncle for his birthday. He is leaving today to do border patrol for the Air Force Reserves for the next 2 to 3 months. So we all got together and had dinner. It was nice...until we were leaving and my uncle gives k a hug and tells her how proud of her he is that she is doing so well. Which I thought I was really nice. But then on the way home I notice K is crying in the backseat of the car and J and I were wondering what was going on. So I ask her and she tells me that its upsetting that our uncle can tell her how proud he is of her but Dad hasn’t called or talked to her at all.

She’s right. Its shitty. He is her dad. He talks to me. He calls me. I tell him to call her all the time. I told him that she was having this surgery and she should call him. But did he? NO!! Because he is an ASS. He has always been an ass. But he really hurt her. She was really upset and she should be.

So today my Mom called my Dad and just gave it to him so bad. She cussed him out so good. (GO MOM!!) I know Dad hates it when Mom calls to tell him to act like a Dad so he probably didn’t appreciate it at all. I wish I was there to hear the whole conversation. But from what my mom told me all I can say is MY MOM IS AWESOME!!!!

Speaking of my Mom ..she has blog. She has had it since November. I’ve had this one since August and we talk everyday but we never told each other. So when we finally found out we were going to email our links to each other. But we haven’t done it. I don’t know why. I don’t know if I want her to read mine. I don’t know why. I tell her everything anyway. But I kinda don’t want to read hers either. I don’t want either one of us worrying about what the other one would think about what were writing about.

I don’t know if people are reading hers. I would like the people to read mine to read her because everyone that commented on mine so far have been very supportive and nice and I think it would be nice if she got that on hers. Especially with from another parent of a heroin addict.

I’m not sure I how I would find her blog. I just want to post the link here. I don’t think I would read it. If anyone knows how I could find it let me know. Its on blogspot or if anyone is reading a blog where the events sound like mine its probably my mom’s!

Hope everyone is doing well

Update

2008-02-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

Not too much new to report. K got a job and starts Thursday which is great. She is really excited and I am excited for her. She was worried that when they did the background check they would decide against hiring her. But everything worked out well. It’s a good office job with benefits and all that.

She has been going to meetings three times a week and passing all her drug tests. So far so good.

She is really proud of all she is doing and I think she should be. I will never understand how hard it is to do what she is doing. But for the past 4 years I have watched her struggle so to see her doing so well is great.

Decisions, Decisions (Part 2)

2008-01-31T08:55:00.000-08:00

So my computer is all messed up. Everything had to be taken off and reloaded. Luckily I keep all my schoolwork saved an its own separate flash drive. But not my pictures. I lost all of them. I am so upset. Its was tons and tons of pictures. But I guess what can you do.

In other news K is doing good. Passing all her drug tests, starts meetings this week and has a job interview next week for a job she is really excited about.

Grrrrr

2008-01-28T20:48:00.000-08:00

My computer is still messed up. I taking it to my uncle to fix it.

If I didn't love my boyfriend so much I would have already smothered him in his sleep.

Help!!!

2008-01-19T02:13:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend downloaded some poker program and now i have tons of Adware. I need a free virus and removal scan. I scanned and it said I had 25 infected programs I need a free virus/adware remover.

Please Help!!!

i could kill him. He is not allowed on the computer if I am out of town anymore.

60 Days and a story from the past

2008-01-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

K has been clean about 60 days now. I was thinking about buying her a little something. But it kinda seems like bribery. I am fine with that. I am not above a little (or a lot) of bribery to keep her safe and heathy.

There really isn't much I wouldn't do to keep her safe.

In high school when I was like 17 or 18 and she was 15 or 16. She ran away and was gone for awhile. I heard she was staying with a friend in her apartment. But when my dad and I went there it had a locked lobby and you couldn’t buzz the apartment to get in. (I guess you had to call and let them know ahead of time you were coming) So what did my dad and I do. We picked the lobby lock to get in the building and try to surprise her at the apartment so we could take her home. She wasn’t there but man was her friend surprised to see us in building. LMAO!!!!

2008

2008-01-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

So it has been awhile. But I have been busy, busy. K got out of jail and things seem to be doing okay. (There are some things that aren’t quite right but I don’t know what to do about them yet so I will have to wait until later to blog on that).

Christmas was excellent even though I didn’t get my ring it was still nice. We have gone ring shopping and I picked out what I wanted. The ring kind of looks like this.

I left two days after Christmas to go Wyoming and visit my dad. It was nice and relaxing. Dad lives at the base of the mountains and his view is awesome. But I was happy to be back as I missed J and this was the first New Years in 5 years that we weren’t together.

So now I am back at work, registering for the next semester of school and getting back into the swing of things.

K seems to be happy at mom’s house. They are getting along a lot better than before when she was staying there so that’s good. She has court this week and so far has done everything they asked to get her ready for rehab. She also has a job interview in case they decide against rehab and she just has to go to meeting then she will need a job. I personally think that she should go to rehab but I really don’t have a say. So we will know more after this week.

So thats about it. I hope everyone had a great holiday!!

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T07:24:00.000-08:00

I just got back from from visiting my dad in Wyoming.

Lots to blog about. Will update soon.

2007-12-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

K is getting out today at around noon. The deal is she is staying with my mom and she should be entering rehab sometime around the 9th of January. The hard part is going to be keeping her at Mom’s until the 9th. If she runs from Mom then she is going back to jail for her whole probation. 18 months. She knows this. I am hoping this enough of incentive to keep her shit together. If she completes rehab she will move in with me and my boyfriend.

I’m a little worried about her and my mom together. My mom is wonderful and a great mom she will do anything for us. K (when she is clean) is a great sister and the best person to hang out with. I love them both very much and have tons of fun with both of them. So I don’t understand why if they both can get along with me why can’t they get along together.

I hate being in the middle.

But on a bright note I’m leaving next week to go visit my dad!! I’m excited to see him and my stepmom. I will there for 5 days right after Christmas.

On an even brighter note when my boyfriend and I were shopping yesterday we spent all night at different stores looking at engagement rings. I am sooo excited. I hope it happens for Christmas. I don’t think I will be able to hide my disappointment if it doesn’t. I am one of those people that no matter how hard I try you can tell just by looking at me how I feel.

Christmas

2007-12-03T09:49:00.001-08:00

Yeah!!! Its Christmas time. My absolute favorite holiday. I am such a Christmas geek. I have already decorated my house and put up my tree. I'm listening to 24 hour Christmas music and singing along. Every year I think I won't be as excited as I usually am but then BAM!!! something happens and I can't help it.

This weekend I went and was a house whose holiday lights flashed in time with Christmas music you turned on your car Radio. They put a sign up in their front yard with the station and you listen to the music and watch the lights. It was awesome!! My BF even thought it was and he is the original Scrooge.

K is getting out of jail on the 18th in time for Christmas.

She wants to live with my boyfriend and I again. I still haven’t decided what to do about that yet.

But you know what no matter what happens this is my favorite holiday and I am not going to be bummed about anything during my favorite holiday. (Unless I don’t get my engagement ring I will be a little bummed about that.)

2007-12-02T17:34:00.000-08:00

Talking to her from jail....

2007-11-21T09:10:00.001-08:00

So now court is giving her the option of an inpatient rehab. But they have to wait until a bed is available. So she wants my mom to pay the $750 to get her out and then when the bed is available she will go to rehab. Last time she got out of jail they told us a bed would be ready in two day. It took 5 and we were barely able to hold on to her that long to make sure we got her there. If we would have had to wait one more day I know she would have been gone.

She is really angry that mom won't put up the money for her and now mom is so sick. puking, stress headaches, crying the whole bit.

I don't think mom is wrong to not do it. But I don't want K to think no one is on her side or that we are not supportive. I know she probably thinks we are the biggest assholes in the world and I know that mom knows K thinks that and that is what making so upset.

But, seriously, how much can someone take before they just have to say. NO! I'm not going to do it again this time!!!

Maybe we are wrong?

2007-11-20T16:54:00.000-08:00

K is mad. No one will bail her out. Bail is like $750. Her friends don't have that money. I don't. My mom and stepdad could but they won't because everytime she gets out she doesn't go back for court, she got kicked out of the last rehab and if she doesn't go back to court they lose their money. I wouldn't either if I had the money. Thats alot of money.

I wonder if it makes her feel like we don't have any faith in her to change.

Jail

2007-11-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

K is in jail(again). She has been there since last Tuesday. She tried calling my mom but the phone wasn't set up to take collect calls from jail so we had no idea. She could have called my house but i don't think she remembers my number only my cell number. She wants us to bail her out. She said she wants to spend Thanksgiving with us. But my mom refuses to bail her out unless she goes directly into an inpatient treatment program.

They won't let her out on a PR bond because she never goes back to court. I'm not even sure they will give her the option of treatment because last time she got kicked out of the court ordered rehab. She may just be stuck in jail.

But being in jail means she's not on the street doing god knows what. So I am a little thankful for that.

Codependency

2007-11-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

I got a call on my cell today from a hospital here.( It’s a hospital that K has been in 4 times in the past year for various needle sticking infections. ) So of course my first thought is that she is back in the hospital and I wonder how bad it is and I should call my mom and let her know, etc. etc.

I did call my mom on my lunch hour to let her know and she told me that she got a couple of calls last week and they were just looking for K. Why? I don’t know. So that made be feel better until about 15 minutes later when K called me to tell she saw me driving into work and honked to get my attention.

We talked for a little bit and K told me that she is now living about 8 blocks from me with her ex-fiancé and his new girlfriend. Now I am wondering what the f*** is he thinking. I know K and I know how much she hates that he has a new girlfriend even though its her fault that they broke up in the first place. He tried to help her numerous times and finally he told her he could not marry a drug addict especially when she wasn’t interested in helping herself at all. I am worried that K is going start trouble for them and then just head on her merry way. It makes me so angry.

I spent all morning worried about her and thinking she was in the hospital.

It must be nice to not have worry about anything because we will worry about it for you. It must be frickin awesome to know no matter what, you have people to take care of your shit so you can just keep getting high. I know she knows that if she needed it I will take care of it and if its beyond my means well then there is always my mom. Either way we will get things under control and what a great life that must be to only have one care in the world - getting high.

The more I think about it the madder I get until I just want to smack her so hard. Especially when she calls after we haven’t heard from her in months and she is in a great mood and acting like everything is just dandy. Well its not!!! and it hasn’t been for a good long time so quit pretending!!!!

Then she tells me I should call her, we can hang out and honestly I don’t want to. I really don’t like her right now and I feel terrible about it. It totally eats me up that the sister who was my absolute best friend before I can’t stand to even talk to.

I’m also mad that no matter how hard I try this kind of stuff keeps bothering me and I try to not let it but I can’t help so now I know my day is shot because of all this and I will be a walking b**** for the rest of the afternoon. Because now its all I’m thinking about.

Halloween

2007-10-27T13:39:00.000-07:00

I’m going out for Halloween tonight. My boyfriend and I are dressing up and going to see his friend’s band. Wee did it last year and had lots of fun.
I’m going as Holy Sit
And J is going as Tough Shit.

I am little worried about being embarrassed wearing the costumes But then I was like F*** it. Its Halloween

I’m going to go and have a fun night with my crazy shit wearing boyfriend.

Grrrrrr

2007-10-24T14:14:00.000-07:00

I'm soo angry!! I had plans to go out of town with my boyfriend. It was really nothing special just a weekend at his friends trailer on a lake. There isn't much to do there. but our phones don't work out there and we spend the weekend doing us stuff.

I have been running around like crazy with work and school and finally had a weekend off from work and was really looking forward to a crazy sexfest weekend with my boyfriend.

But NOOOOOOO. Guess what we’re doing. We are dog sitting for his brother because J’s (my boyfriend) brother decided since his wife was going to Chicago with her family he had to go out of town to hunt. But did he try to let J know that he needed us to watch the dogs. Nope he just assumed that we would be available. Then when he found out we wouldn’t he had his wife call ME to ask to watch the dogs. It never occurred to him to stay home this weekend. His wife never goes anywhere and there was no reason he had to be out of town. He decided last minute.

Well of course I said yes we would do it. His wife works really hard and I know she rarely goes anywhere so she deserves this and its her FAMILY. Its not like some wild girls weekend.

If it was any other time it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. But I was looking forward to weekend of warm naked cuddling with my man. Those weekends are like rejuvenation to our relationship.

Okay now that I got that off my chest. I ‘m not going to bitch about it anymore.

In other news my mom heard from K this week and she said she didn't sound very good. I guess she did at first but then during the phone conversation she started sounding out of it and mumbly. Surprise Surprise. Now I can’t stop thinking about her. Its getting cold and I don’t think she has a coat. I was going to give her my wool winter coat because I wanted to get a new one anyway. But I don’t want to offend her by offering her a used coat. It has a rip in it but my mom and I sewed it and you can’t really tell and I used all last winter like that. But K is real picky about the stuff she gets. My mom said at this point she should be happy with any stuff we get her but I make sure everyone buys stuff I know she will like. But every year for the past 3 years one of us had to buy her a new winter coat and winter clothes because she losses her stuff and leaves it places. She always needs socks, underwear, sweaters, coats, shoes.

Okay I’m done venting about that now too!!!

BLISS

2007-10-19T14:12:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend is going to be out of town this weekend. He is a hunter so every year around this time he starts leaving for weekends with the guys.

I love it. As much I love him and coming home to him everyday I like having the house to myself to do whatever I want and I make the most of it. I eat all the foods that I love and he hates. I watch every celeb reality show and tear jearker movie.

I used to spend these weekends tearing up the city with my girls but for some reason this weekend I feel like just spending it by myself. Other than the haunted house tomorrow with my mom. I’ve decided its going to be all about me this weekend. I’m doing homework, paint my nails, give myself a facial, maybe dye my hair and READ!!!

I feel like I’ve been so busy since school started and I’ve been sooo tired lately. I don’t even have the concentration to read much anymore and I have always loved reading. I’ll read anything and everything you put in front of me.

I'm so excited and I can't wait to leave work and start "my weekend". The only thing I have to think about when I leave my office is greasy Pizza Hut or Chinese?

Crazy

2007-10-17T12:11:00.001-07:00

I just read the craziest article called "Heroin addiction isn't an illness...and we should stop spending millions 'treating' it."

I'm still processing it. It has some valid arguments but since I have never been a heroin addict I really don't I should be making any judgements.

Seriously check it out. I would love to hear what others thinks of this.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=476208&in_page_id=1774

Happy

2007-10-16T09:17:00.000-07:00

I had the best weekend. Saturday I spend the day shopping with my girlfriends for a new outfit for our ladies only birthday night out. It was great!! It’s been a long time since I have been shopping for new outfit for no reason. Something totally inappropriate for work that I can only wear out.

I then went to dinner and out for drinks with my two favorite girls and had the best time. We laughed so hard and I feel my two best friends bonded with each other as they had with me years ago and that’s great. I love that I can go out with both of them at once and everyone is guaranteed a great time.

We spent the night talking about everything and I feel so much better after that night.

I am so lucky to have two great women in life who are so incredible.

Happy

2007-10-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

K called yesterday to wish me a happy birthday. I was surprised to hear from her. We haven't spoken since i last seen her at my moms when we got into it. So that was nice.

She just got a new cell phone and she told me she had a little present and card for me. (I kinda wonder where she got the money...but I really don't want to know where she got the money).

My grandma told me that as long as K is still keeping in contact with us and has not totally isolated herself she feels there is still hope.

I kinda feel the same way. When its been awhile with no word from her is when we get the most worried.

My mom said she feels like the more she prays the worst it gets.

I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with things. I have been trying to think what's my way to deal with it.

I'm afraid to see her. I want to ask her about the $20 from my purse (but whats the point) and I'm afraid she is going to look so horrible i won't be able hide the way i feel when she sees my face.

An alltime new low.

2007-10-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we celebrated my birthday at my moms house (a little early my actual birthday is on the 8th). My boyfriend and I had been fighting all day so it didn’t start good and it went downhill from there. We were late to my mom’s because we were fighting and when we picked up K she wasn’t ready. Then when I got a good look at her she looked TERRIBLE. I couldn’t even turn around in the car to talk to her.

It was a small dinner with me, K, my boyfriend, step dad, mom and one of my closest girlfriends. My friend hasn’t seen K in more than a year and when she got there and took a good look at her you just saw her face drop. The change in her is soooo noticeable. Even in the 2 WEEKS since we celebrated her birthday you can see how low this dragged her down. She also was twitchy and restless. She was belligerent and loud and her attitude just sucked. I have no idea why she was acting like that. Maybe because we were celebrating my b-day she didn’t like the attention I was getting.

Dinner went alright except my boyfriend and I kept arguing. Finally after dinner we decided to have a glass of this great Sangria my girlfriend bought for mebut K didn’t want to stop at just one. My parents barely drink so everyone only had one to say happy birthday and that should have been it. But no....K wanted more and then when the vodka for martinis was done she started asking my mom what else she had to drink. I couldn’t take it anymore and finally just told her to chill out no one else was drinking, it was Sunday afternoon so take it easy. But she called me a B*** and I yelled that maybe she should try being sober for entire day because she looked like crap. It was really a bad scene with my mom having to get in the middle like we were kids again.

Right before we were about to leave I was digging through my purse and realized I was missing $20. Now I really didn’t want to think it was K. My purse was on my mom desk and K was on the computer checking her email but still. She has never stolen from me before (as far as I know) so I grabbed my BF and asked him what he thought but we couldn’t figure it out and didn’t want to ask her. So we just left it.

My girlfriend that was there drove K home for us because at the place where K stays (which is a whole different story )is close to her house. After she dropped her off called me to say that while in the car K made a phone that sounded like she called her dealer and told them she had $20. Coincidence huh?

I don’t know what to say. My mom and talked about and she thinks this really shows how low this addiction has sunken her. She wants to call and turn her in on a warrant she has. I convinced her not too. I told my boyfriend maybe she had $20 and I just lost mine. Money has fallen out of purses before ...but even that sounds like a reach. I just don’t know what to do now.

I’m really angry. I don’t make lots of money. I don’t even work full time because I’m in school and my boyfriend pays all our household bills. I think K thinks if I don’t have money I could just get more from him but I shouldn’t have too. I work for my money!!!! I don’t want to ask him for money and he doesn’t have an endless supply either. It’s the beginning of the month, rent, loan payments, credit card bills are all due this week. We are really struggling.

I hope that I am wrong and this was all just was all just a misunderstanding. But I think I will never know.

Birthday

2007-09-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

K's (my sister)birthday was last Thursday (she is 25). After my mom and I were calling almost all morning I finally got a hold of her in the late afternoon. She didn't sound good at all she sounded a little high, a little lonely and a lot sad. I felt bad I wasn't able to see her on her actual b-day. Because birthdays are big deal to my family but I was at work and had school at night. So we made plans to have her birthday at my house on Sunday and K promised to call my mom since she has been trying to get a hold of her all day to tell her Happy Birthday.

Well Thursday came and went and K never called my mom. That really hurt her feelings. We have not heard from K in a month and my mom calls around looking for her constantly just to make sure she is still alive but she never called. I try to understand why she treats mom like this but I just can't come up with a very good reason. All my mom wants is a couple of phone calls every once and awhile.

So K finally calls mom on Saturday to find out what time we are all getting together on Sunday and to find out what time my boyfriend was going to pick her up because she won't take the bus.

On Sunday she came over and looked alright. I haven't seen her in a month and I was really worried about how she would look. But she looked okay..not the best but she has looked worse.

All in all it was an okay day.

The weird thing is that now when she is around I feel very uncomfortable. She gets very upset if you ask too many questions or if my mom and are talking too much to each other. I know it bothers her that we are so close but she is my mom also and we can’t help it that we have so much in common. We try to include her all the time but she never comes around and never calls unless there is a holiday coming up or she needs something and we never can get a hold of her. But it makes me feel bad that she feels like an outsider when we get together but then I get mad because we really try to include her and we shouldn’t feel bad.

VACANCY

2007-09-10T20:43:00.001-07:00

This week one of my boyfriend's friend is coming to stay with us. He has had problems with heroin, went to rehab and is starting to get his life together. He wants to stay with us until the end of the month when his apartment is ready. I have no problem with him staying with us. But sometimes I wonder why we are always called when people need a place to stay.

Wife/girlfriend kick you out …stay at our house!
Got evicted …stay at our house!
Can’t stand your crackhead roommate…stay at our house!

I’m happy we can help but sometimes I wonder when is it our just our time. When will our vacancy sign burn out. Do I sound bitchy? I hope not.

We still haven’t heard from my sister…her birthday is in 3 days. We call and call and have left messages but she hasn’t gotten back to us. At least I know she’s alive. I guess I’ll take that.

2007-09-04T14:52:00.001-07:00

I just spent the weekend with my BF and some friends at a lake house fishing, etc. It was a lot of fun and just what i needed.

But long weekend is over and its time to go back to work and school.

I still haven't heard from my sister. Her B-day is coming up and usually she starts coming out around holidays so I will probably hear from her soon.

I think she may be really mad at us. She hasn't even called for the rest of her clothes at my house. I talked to a friend of her and he told me he would have her's call me next time he talks to her but ....who know if she will.

My first Blog

2007-08-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

So for the past few months I have become obssessed with blogs. I read them everyday. But it's not just any blogs mostly blogs about addiction. Heroin addicition actually. It seems having these blogs have helped people in recovery and their loved ones. So I thought why not give it a try. My belly hurts just thinking about putting my family's business out there for everyone to see but...

My little sister is a heroin addict and has been for over three years and it seems like there is no end in sight. The reason i decided to blog about it now is I just had to kick her out of my house. Where she was living since she got out of the hospital. It made me feel like the worst person in the whole world. I feel like since I don't have any kids (yet) my one job in life is to take care of my little sister and so far I have been a big time failure.

Just in the past year she been in the hospital three different times for horrible staff infections (one of which was one day away from killing her according to the doctor), been in and got kicked out of rehab and in jail numerous times. She is only 24.

I feel like my family and i have tried everything we can and its hasn't worked. So I'm trying something new even if it will only help my piece of mind it will be worth it.